Yesterday we had a scary ultrasound. Tatu's heartbeat sang along at 120, then dipped down to 70. Up and down. Up and down. He barely moved during the entire ultrasound. The tech couldn't get a very good look at his heart. And so the OB summed it up as "not textbook perfect".
He looked so perfect to me. His nose, his mouth, his little feet. Perfect.
But we were referred to a Pediatric Cardiologist for a complete scan. Words of comfort were offered - this might be just odd behavior of a healthy heart, he might just not be moving because he's asleep.
Or it might be our turn. Our turn for bad news. Our turn feel emptiness and pain instead of relief.
We've been there before. Back when Jeffrey's sore eye wasn't a minor nothing, but a life changing something.
Around me are friends who are struggling to get pregnant or loosing babies before they are born. Friends who've watched their newborns struggle through surgeries. And I've often puzzled at the ease with which my precious children were conceived and born. And I've wondered when it will be my turn for loss and empty arms. When will it be my turn for my perfect child to have a painfully imperfect little body.
And so I headed into the cardiac ultrasound wondering if it was my turn.
But it wasn't this time. At least not yet. It turns out that his heart is completely normal. And he really was just asleep during his ultrasound yesterday.
After our trip to the ER last month and our scare yesterday, I'm not taking this baby for granted. I'm smiling at each kick that lets me know he is safe, growing inside of me. And I'm not letting this chance to love him pass me by.
Because there is no good reason why someday it won't be our turn.
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Brooke, please don't think that at all! I know it's not encouraging at all being around Marc and me and hearing our challenges, but there are those women who don't have to go through any of that and I'm praying you're one of those! Just think of all the beautiful, perfect children out there whose mommies had no trouble at all bringing them into the world! I pray that for the rest of our children; hopefully this last miscarriage for us was just another wake-up call, cuz we weren't woken up enough from the last 2, to not take anything in life for granted and to lean on God for EVERYTHING! God really took care of your precious little one in your belly and He's not going to let anything happen to him! You've had enough scares with this pregnancy, so I pray these next few months are joyous and stress-free for you! Luv ya!
ReplyDeleteYou really are a beautiful writer. Your writing is so expressive and always draws me in! Love you lots and am thrilled that Tatu is ok:)
ReplyDeletePraise GOD for a wonderful outcome to a scary scenario. My heart is always full when I read your blogs. Thank you for updating!!!
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing your thoughts on this. What a scary experience for you guys. Praying for Tatu and you. Love you and can't wait to see you this weekend!!
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