Journal - Neonatologist's Visit

A neonatologist came by to help prepare me for the outcome of a 27 week premie. She gave the “good news” that 80% of those babies survive. And there is even a slim chance that he would have only a few long term effects. She thought that was good news. Instead of good news, I heard that instead of the 100% chance of having a healthy baby that I anticipated a day ago, I now have a 20% of loosing this child, and almost certainty of long term affects if he is born now. Instead of my holding a newborn to my breast, I could be looking at him through the plastic of a warming box. Instead stroking his soft skin, I could be watching him suffer as underdeveloped nerves bear the pain of IVs and tubes. Instead of nursing my son, I could be watching him gag on a feeding tube, all the while hoping his intestines are ready to work and don’t perforate. Watching. Not holding. Not rocking him safe in my arms. But watching him lying in a warming box, breathing with a ventilator and sprouting wires. Just watching and hoping he isn’t one of the 20% who die.

Now the tears have started to fall.