Sometimes I wonder if my kids are I are normal.
With the exception of 7 days, I have spent the last 3.75 years entirely with my children. I've been there every morning to give them sippy cups, read a book, and snuggle. I'm there every breakfast, lunch and supper to feed them and clean their sticky faces. They run to me when they are hurt, sad, or scared. I have sometimes wished that I wasn't sooo important to them - that they'd call out for Daddy in the middle of the night instead of me.
And now I live here in my hospital room, and they wake every morning to Daddy or Grammi. Not me.
So here is why I wonder if I am normal, and if they are normal too: when they visit, neither they nor I act like anything is different or wrong at all. They aren't more clingy. In fact, I haven't had more than a 5 second snuggle from Zion since I got here. Elise doesn't ask me when I'm coming home. They want to know if they can ride the train here or go up and down on the escalator.
When it is time to go, no one has tears. I have to practically force them to give me a hug goodbye before they head out the door.
Of course I'm glad they are adjusting just fine without me. It would be so painful if I knew they were sad without me.
But it does make me wonder if I ever was all that important to begin with. And if I'll ever have that same bond with them again.
I suppose I should have seen this coming. During the three weekends I've ever been away from them, they were perfectly content without me. And all of Elise's fantasy worlds include Zion, but not me or Jeffrey. I use to see them as secure, well adjusted kids. Now I wonder if I'm not a normal mom, but have done something wrong to have turned out two sweet little kids who don't miss me.
For those of you who chat with me on the phone, next time we talk let's just pretend I didn't tell you any of this. Let's just pretend that I'm normal, and my kids are normal and it doesn't hurt this much.
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Just so you know, I had not read this when I called you. Our conversation topic was pure coincidence.
ReplyDeleteI love you sweetie!
I used to think the same thing when you, Summer, and Amber would be so content when you spent the summers with Grandma and Grandpa. I think this is what a lot of mommies feel.
ReplyDeleteLove you, baby. Mom
When Noah came to visit me in the hospital, he always wanted to go visit "the babies" (newborn viewing nursery)...they trumped mommy every time. And he was fascinated by my IV port...my "owie." :)
ReplyDeleteSo, consider yourself normal. You are just an amazing mommy who has raised amazing, well-adjusted kids--no matter the circumstances. (And I KNOW they miss you...)
No comments necessary regarding the effects of solitary confinement :) But let's just say that kiddos and Daddy are limping along without Mommy. Thankfully Grammi is here to help get us through :)
ReplyDeleteI feel you Brooke. Think of it this way, they are well-adjusted kids BECAUSE you are normal! They copy you! If you weren't normal, they wouldn't be well-adjusted..!
ReplyDeleteI know it must be difficult, just know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Just read this today, Brooke.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what another person already said. You're kids are acting normal and SECURE because they have been raised that way. =) They have no reason in their little lives to think that anything could be wrong. They just know you're there because you have a baby in your belly and that's where you go for that. You are an amazing mommy. I've seen you. You may actually be the most patient one I've ever seen!!!
I miss you and think about you often. Keep posting, I love reading your thoughts.
well this certainly touched my heart. Your raw honesty for your emotions on the 'separation' issue is comforting because I know I would feel the same way in your situation. Thanks for being open in sharing these feelings.
ReplyDeleteE and Z have the bravery of youth and can't fathom the 'time' or separation in the same way you know it. You are a beautiful woman, inspiring Mommy and you have raised 2 very lovely kiddos :-)